My spiritual life is a bit of a shambles at the moment, too. I’m doing my daily devotions to Sobek and Heru-sa-Aset, and that’s about it. And it’s not that I don’t mind that, because simple and ‘able to be done when half-asleep and just out of bed’ is what I like, I feel directionless. It may be that I am overthinking things, and trying to make things more complicated than they need to be. Wouldn’t be the first time. But IDK. It’s crashed into the chaos that has been the past two months, so I’m just feeling overwhelmed by it all and uninspired, and I just need some clean, fresh air to sort all this shit out.
I don’t even know what I am anymore, except a polytheist and Sobek devotee. Which is fine, but. Not recon. Not not-recon. Not Wiccish. Not, well, I don’t even know anymore.
I think, perhaps, some of this is the conflict in my mind that I necessarily have to be a ritualist if I’m going to be a polytheist. That I can just do my daily devotions, and write for Sobek, and work with Hekate every new moon, and that’s it. Not bother with festivals or calendars or other things like that. I mean, I sort of do. But I still feel the call to honour the solstices and equinoxes, and Kemetic calendars don’t have those, so, what I do will necessarily be anything but recon. Which, well, is a weird feeling. I have many complicated thoughts about this, and I think I’m going to need to work through them rather a lot more than I am now, if I am to figure this out. I might do some journalling with Hekate, and see if She can’t offer me some insight as to where to go from here.
Perhaps I just need to be brave and not worry about what recons will think of me, and what other Pagans will think of me, and just do what makes sense. It’s not like I’m working with a coven or group. I’m solitary. The only one who need to approve of my practice is me. Maybe it’s time to really embrace that, and stop worrying what others will think about my very-much-not-recon ideas for what I want my practice to be. Ignore that perception that polytheism and reconstructionism necessarily come together, and polytheism without reconstructionism is just not done. I think that’s what I’m struggling with at the moment, trying to reconcile my polytheism with my non-reconish practices. And my occasional irritation with the more New Agey aspects of Paganism. Which might be assuaged if I had a proper Pagan shop in Perth to get supplies from so I could feel like I wasn’t just The Only Pagan In Perth, but, no. Too many Buddhas. 🙁
But I don’t know. I think I need some more space, once all the Christmas/New Years bullshit is over, so I can sit down and sort this all out. Because I don’t feel like I have the space to do that now. Brain is just … too busy. Too full of stuff.