M is for Meditation on Existence

If there’s any advantage at all in being late with this week’s post, it’s that I needed the time to think about what to write about. I was inherently uninspired this week and then the weekend happened and I met my 8 week old niece for the first time and I finally feel like I have time to myself to think about what to write for this week’s post.

I did have Grand Plans for a post about Mary and Her relationship to me. I also thought about writing about Magic(k), but then decided I didn’t really know how to explain it in coherent words so I ditched that idea too. Then I thought about mothering, and how I relate to mothers and mothering as a queer pagan. Then perhaps some sort of post about monotheism? What about meditation? Or Ma’at?

It’s now after 11pm, and actually, I still don’t really know what to write about. Most of my weekend has consisted of babies and relatives and family, as well as proving to myself that I have no mothering instinct when it comes to babies. I have no idea what to do with babies. Cats? Sure. Cats I can do. But not babies.

In some ways, I don’t really mind this at all. I’ve never been particularly enthusiastic about having kids of my own. Sometimes, I think it’d be nice to have someone to pass my path and traditions onto, but I know I don’t necessarily need biological kids to do that. Not that I know who I’d pass my Pagan things onto when I die. I keep thinking about who would even want them, and can’t think of anyone. Maybe I’ll just send all my Kemetic statues to Tawy as a donation, assuming Tawy is still around then, and leave it at that. My grimoire can go to IDK someone who’s interested, and maybe there’ll be a Pagan library around by then who’d want my books. So much of this is speculation though that I find it hard to make any concrete plans.

The 2011 Australian census data came out last week(ish), and I calculated the number of pagan religious adherents across as many identifiably pagan religious categories as I could find (they split it up between witchcraft, Wicca, nature-worship, pantheism, I think I also counted the 2000 odd Satanists, and a few other categories; not perfect, but there is no one single ‘Pagan’ category so I did my best). I guesstimated that there was about 30,000 all-up. No wonder I never run into any Pagans. 30,000 scattered across a country with a population > 22 million people? Not great odds, I’ll be honest with you. Particularly not in Perth, one of the most isolated capital cities in the world.

It’s that kind of thing that forces me to be content with a solitary path. And I say ‘forces’ as if I desire group-work, but really, all I ever want from other pagans is fellowship. I just want someone else to talk to who understands a polytheistic world-view and knows my Gods aren’t demons and I’m not going to Hell for practicing witchcraft. Any potential partner of mine is going to have to be alright with that, whether they’re pagan or not. I don’t even assume they’re going to be Australian anymore. It’s just as likely, to me, that I’d find a partner in another country as find one here.

I also feel like the title for this post is far more grandiose than what I’ve managed to write. But such is the uninspired nature of this post that this is what you get. I have a lot of thoughts in my head, but not enough to form any coherent post on one single topic. I want to talk about mothering, too, and fostering, and magic, and Mary, and money collections, and all those other things I thought about during the week. But there’s not enough for a single post. Just thoughts, brief ideas that form and then disappear again back into the ether of my mind, not quite formed yet.

I keep deleting things I write because I can’t quite form them into an idea enough to write about. I’m not even very good at meditation, though I don’t try very often. But sometimes, just sitting still for five minutes and just letting my mind wander is good enough. I let my mind go uninhibited, and see where it takes me. I want to practice doing that more, though, and teach myself to use it as a way of getting around blockages, like writer’s block or other things that I’m stuck on.

Also, remind me at some point to do a ‘correlation doesn’t equal causation’ rant because that shits me right up the wall. Perhaps that’s a sign to stop now and just get next week’s posts ready, since I already have them written up, for the most part. I shall go to bed and rant about other things later.

0 thoughts on “M is for Meditation on Existence

  1. I have no idea what to do with babies. Cats? Sure. Cats I can do. But not babies.

    This is so me. ^_^ My housemate, on the other hand, is really into babies. We were in the pet store one day, and she suddenly starts squeeing, “Oh! So cute!” And I’m like, “Puppy? Kitty? Gerbil?…oh. It’s a baby.”

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