A/N: Completely rewritten on 27/9/2014. Because things and UPG and I feel I have a much better understanding of how I relate to Her, and how She relates to me.
Isis Stellar Maris, my Mother
I feel like I’ve spent many, many years trying to figure out my relationship with Isis. She was the first deity I ever had a relationship with. I can’t say for certain that She was the first deity I ever worshipped, because I may have prayed to God/Jesus as a kid, but She was certainly the first who answered back. I owe a lot to Her, and while I don’t always work with Her consistently, I’m still very fond of Her.
I first worked with Her as Isis, before I fell into a more recon-oriented Kemetic path, where I called Her Aset. I can’t say for certain whether Aset and Isis are merely two names for the same goddess, or two distinct goddesses. I suspect I will never know the answer to that. But each name does call on a different sort of relationship? Aset is much more regal, and much more about tough love. Isis is much gentler. But then again, I have had Isis and Hekate appear together, and there is a weirdly similar energy there too, so. I suspect Hekate brings out Isis’ chthonic aspects.
Isis came back to the fore in 2010, pointing me towards Rome. I never quite imagined where that would lead me. And I feel like this is the part that’s going to get very rambly and may take a while to get to the point, but bear with me, because it will make sense in the end. I hope.
For a long time, I’ve had a thing for Mary, and for Quan Yin, and together with Isis, and Hekate, they share this weird energy that’s sort of related, but not quite. It’s the ‘Queen of Heaven, Star of the Sea’ thing. I’m still not entirely sure, either, why that aspect calls to me, either, or why I’ve collected these gods with this sort of thing going on. But it’s there. I first became sort of aware of this thing perhaps in 2012? I can’t really remember. Maybe it was 2011. But this connection and this draw to this aspect/epithet bothered me for a long time. I could never quite figure out why that was drawing me in so much. It never made any sense.
I’ve prayed to Mary many times, to petition Her for my Christian friends and family. She feels a lot like Aset does during the Lamentations. It’s that deep grief, and gentle compassion. Quan Yin has some of that compassion, too, though She takes it to 11, I think. Hekate and Isis did share a connection back in the day, and maybe that’s what links Them now. IDK. But it is there. Hekate feels darker, but Their energy isn’t that dissimilar. Not to the point where I feel They are the same entity, but certainly They share the same sort of wavelength. If that makes sense.
I feel like it was Hekate who brought out that ‘Queen of Heaven, Star of the Sea’ thing, or at least, brought it to my attention? But I can’t say for sure. Either way, it bugged me for a long time, trying to figure out what it meant for me, and for my relationships with these gods. And, to be honest, I didn’t really know until recently. Even then, it’s a beginning, rather than an ending. An answer, and a way forward.
A lot of things came together to bring me to that point. Meditations and visualisation work, writing, work with elemental balancing, the gods, all kinds of things, really. It wasn’t ever just one thing, more a coming together of all these other disparate things that made it happen. But it was one of those Moments.
I’ve written about it before, but to save you searching for it, I’ll write it out again here. It was a full moon meditation, August 2014, where it happened, and I’m still processing a lot of that. Not because it’s tricksy or hard, but initiations are hard, and only a beginning, and I’m only just beginning to make sense of a lot of the meditation work I’ve done this year, so.
I found myself in a dark cave, with water reflecting onto the walls. I met Artemis there, and as we talked, She said I should work with Isis again. And then there She was beside me, on the other side. I’ve never had much luck actually seeing Isis/Aset? So to not only see Her as a person, but to be able to look upon Her face… That was rare, and welcomed. She was dressed in Egyptian garb, but had a slightly more European look to Her, rather than purely Arabic/Egyptian. She hugged me in greeting, and I felt Her love for me. It was a little overwhelming in many ways. I hadn’t really done much work with Her for four years or so, and I’d felt Her to be absent, or at least, stepping back so I could deal with all the other gods in my life.
We talked for a while, and She told me to find Water, and let the initiation begin. She was referring to a magic system I developed in some fiction some time ago, where children start learning at about 6 years old, and have their first elemental initiation then, into Water, where they are named, and opened up to the first of the powers they will learn to work with and master. (Stories in this word can be found here, if anyone wants to read them to get a better idea of how this magic system works.)
I can’t quite remember what triggered this, but as we talked, I realised She was Isis Stellar Maris. She is Isis, Star of the Sea, at least to me. Find the sea, She said. Find Water. She led me down to the sea, to the shores of Bakhu, and we stood there for a moment.
She took me, then, to the Temple of the Four Winds, which sits in the middle of this crater lake/sea surrounding Bakhu. It’s an elemental temple, shaped like a square, with altars in each of the four major cardinal directions. It was set up for Water now, with a bathing pool in the centre of the temple. (The Air temple has something else there, though what exactly it is escapes me at the moment.) The bathing pool was similar to a Roman bath, or hot spring, with blue clear water. It looked wild, like it was a part of the sea, but it may have been artificial instead. I can’t really say. There was some sort of mineral deposits encrusted around the walls near the water level.
We undressed and got into the warm water. We spoke some more about Water, and finding Water, and taking that first initiation, and then She took my hands, and plunged me under the water, saying, ‘The first mystery is revealed.’
And, true to the system, Water named me. She named me Isidore Stellar Maris, and this alone is significant because for a very long time, Isis was the only god I worked with who explicitly referred to me as female. I was either male or gender-neutral to the others, or it was never something that came up. But to Isis, I was Her Daughter. But not anymore. When She named me, She acknowledged that referring to me as female wasn’t working anymore. It wasn’t something I was comfortable with anymore, which is true. So She apologised, and stopped, which is why my name changed from Isidora to Isidore. Masculine form, but not explicitly feminine.
And that’s mostly where I am with Her now. Working through all those things, and getting to know Stellar Maris, as opposed to any other flavour of Isis. I’ve never known Her to have any particular form with me, like She hasn’t ever been Isis/Aset in a particular role/aspect. It’s always been Isis or Aset, and that’s kind of been it. But She’s a specific Isis now, so that changes the way I refer to Her, and how I view our relationship. That’s it, for now, anyway. I’m sure things will evolve and change over the years. But for now, Isis, Star of the Sea, watches over me.